June 11, 2009
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Letting Go
I realized this morning how easy it is to forget something versus being able to let it go. Some things you hold inside of you just can’t be let go so easily, so we choose to just let them rest where they are and forget they exist. The hard part is having someone come along and stir up all those emotions and make you confront them…
This morning, I realized for the first time how much I still hadn’t let go of concerning my ex-boyfriend. All of the memories and baggage are so much a part of me that I forget they exist. I forget how visible they are to the rest of the world, even when I don’t want to let anyone see them. I didn’t realiwe how much a note can hurt someone else. I never thought that it would bother anyone but me. Until this morning, I guess I never really was given an ultimatum, presented with a choice between the old and the new. Most of the time, I choose the new… but I guard the old deep inside of me, only letting it peek outside every now and again. I guess no one ever really meant as much to me before…
Right now : I’m surprised at how happy I am. I’m surprised at how free I feel. I thought it would be harder than it was to look back and systematically take apart my past. I thought I’d really let go before but now… I know better now. I know better because he still exists inside me every day. Not anymore, though… I can’t let it happen anymore. It hurts to think that the newest person in my life hurts because part of me exists for someone else. I can’t have it anymore because he’s important. He’s it. He’s strength enough to help me let go and see that what’s in front of me is what’s real and what I need. He’s love. He’s everything.
Despite disagreements and infrequent anger, I can’t be angry at him. I can’t be sad around him. He just breathes life into me, and I’m so thankful.
It is for this that I’m letting go once and for all. It’s for this that I’m not going to forget but just let go.
