Sunday, 19 September 2010
For some reason, I have been going through a weird phase in my life. Despite keeping diligent about searching for work, trying hard to keep strong with my online courses, and keeping the apartment clean and tidy, I'm thinking too much about things I let go. It has been nearly two years since the biggest break up of my life. As Geneva can attest to, I was a complete wreck. I don't think I had ever let myself cry so hard in front of anyone before that moment. Geneva was with me immediately and stayed until I felt better. I will never forget that.
Lately, I've been having dreams. They aren't typical dreams for me. Usually, I'm living out my own life with no problems. I may be chased by someone in one of several nightmares I have had since I was a child. In other dreams, I'm conquering the world or playing with my children. I'm not sure exactly what my current dreams mean, if they have a meaning. Perhaps I'm meant to have a conversation that has been put off for many reasons over the past year. It's just strange.
A week ago, I was in Colorado Springs celebrating my younger sister's 21st birthday. We had a barbecue with family and friends at the house where my father gave shots of his Crown Royal Cask No. 19 to 20-somethings. We opened gifts and had cake. After the party, a childhood friend of ours, Jennifer, Cyndi, Norbert, Jake, and I went downtown to barhop and have a good time. Being September 11, we weren't expecting Cyndi to get a lot of free drinks because the event as a whole overshadows something even as meaningful as a birthday. For the night, Cyndi actually did pretty well. The important part of that night for me concerning my dreams lately has to do with the second bar we visited that night: the Ritz Grill. While waiting at the bar for Cyndi and Jennifer to get drinks, I turned my head to look into the crowd of people. Among the faces of firefighters and ordinary people, I see the least expected face: Collin.
My sister and Jennifer tried to get a drink out of him of all things! I just wanted to stay cool and not worry about that meeting until it was absolutely necessary. He disappeared, and my friends didn't find him. When we exited the bar, everyone walked onto the curb and right past him. As I passed him, I saw him look up. I know he saw me. As we stood on the curb, I didn't say anything to my group. I stole little glances at him, hoping he wouldn't look up at the same time. Twice, perhaps, I saw his eyes looking past the person he was talking to towards me. I think he didn't recognize me. I've gained a little weight and dress differently now. We left the bar and headed to Cowboys. Eventually, I told them he was standing right behind them on the curb.
Since that night, I can remember nights where he was present in my dream. The most vivid and puzzling one was last night. I have amended the dream and only included the part that interested me the most.
We were at the Ritz Grill during the day. The layout of the restaurant was a lot different from what I remember. In the dream, I'm standing at the bar ordering a Long Island. For some reason, this drink that had been made for me disappeared (literally) in front of my eyes and was replaced by two double shots in little plastic cups as I reached for my now non-existent glass. The girl next to me, I believe, is Dawn, a girl I went to college with. She grabs the shots territorially but offers me one once she sees who I am and that she knows me. She brings me to sit down at a booth with two exits right next to the bar. My sister (Cyndi), Dawn, and a guy I knew from high school were all sitting in the booth. I continued to stand for some time next to it. I had a folder of papers, and I was filling out paperwork. The papers reminded me of the wedding photographer contracts Jake and I have been reading through lately. Someone bumps me from behind and keeps walking. It's Collin. He's dressed in a black suit with wide pinstripes and has a silver tie or silver pocket square. Eventually, we greet each other and he joins the group but doesn't really participate in anything that is going on. At this point in the dream, I'm constantly thinking. It's as if I was outside of myself, only watching my body carry out tasks while the focus was on my thoughts as they were occurring. At one point, I'm sitting in the booth and shut my folder. I think to myself, "What the heck are you doing? You could be talking to him right now instead of constantly filling out paperwork." As I shut the folder, Collin walks up next to the guy I knew from high school sitting next to me and says, "You know, this is an awfully big booth. Want to make some room?" So my friend obliges and we're sitting next to each other and not saying anything. I'm then eating fries with ketchup, staring into the basket of food and not saying a word to anyone. After small chats with my sister across from me, I feel Collin's arm behind me and his body turns to face me in the booth. I turn myself similarly and look at him. He just stares at me and quietly says. "We need to talk about this before someone hears."
At this point, I woke up to my incredibly noisy neighbors upstairs (doors slamming, stomping, dropping things, shifting things, loud music, loud talking, etc.). I waited a while as I woke up to tell Jake about the dream. Who wants to hear that their significant other had a dream about their ex in the middle of the night instead of them? I told him I had no idea why I kept having dreams like this. He simply said, "Maybe you need to talk to him."
He's got a point. I suppose I've never really felt closure, but I'm not sure closure is what is best. There is no way I would ever turn my back on Jake. I have never been this happy in my entire life. Everything is where it needs to be right now. Maybe I'm finally ready to say something, to have this conversation, to sit down and really find out why.
I suppose only time will tell.