July 25, 2008

• The True Price of Stepping Forward

  Since summer began, I've been slowly coping with the fact that I may never speak to or see him ever again.

  It's hard lying in bed each night, trying to close my eyes, when all I can think about is his face. It's sad that I can't do anything but scorn the very thought of him when it comes, especially when I sit in my room alone almost every night, wondering if I'll ever get to just say goodbye. The face of the matter is: I've been paying a price for how pushy and often mercurial I was when I was with him. As much as I'd like to deny it (and save us, women, from the agony of defeat), I think I pushed him away by trying to be myself and fit his image of me. I made myself a blank canvas that I would just paint over each time I thought he might disapprove of or reject me. When I'm alone like this, I honestly do believe that he wanted the break so that he could make up his mind about me and where he was going with me, what I even mean to him.

  Sometimes, I imagine where I would be right now if I hadn't decided to stay in Minnesota over the summer and spend it home, in Colorado, close to him. I wonder if my decision to stay here ultimately led him to making his decision to take a break because it would be a great time to just end.

  When I feel terrible, I stare at my cellphone, directly at his number, wondering if I'm allowed to call and just say hello.

  It's baffling to me that someone I loved more than anyone would become a stranger in such a short period of time. After that one phone conversation, we cut each other off, barely communicating. I tried a few times to just drop him a line about how I was doing, but it just didn't feel the same anymore. A simple crack about finals just wasn't as funny as it used to be. I just felt alone and awkward.

  This summer, I've been taken back to a place I didn't know existed anymore. It threw me right back into my cave... The worst part is knowing that I want to move on because I can't handle the crying over him when I least expect it or the secret smile that pops on my face everytime I see or hear something that reminds me of him. It feels like the biggest support and care I ever felt outside of my family just disappeared, forcing me to fill it in with a dozen others who just don't understand like he does... or did.

  All this time I've been trying to just put my best foot forward and just try and get along without him being there for me. Here's the hitcher:

  I'm in love with someone I sometimes doubted. I'm in love with someone I thought would always be there for me. I'm enarmoured with this man who made me feel beautiful and worthy, a man who never let me settle for anything. I'm head over heels for the guy who has just as much sass as I do and all of the sensitivity I hide from the rest of the world.

  I'm in love with the one person I think I'll never get over and never forget, the one person in the entire world that I can share anything with and do anything with, the person I will think of and worry about every day for the rest of my life.

  The true price of stepping forward is knowing that he'll always be with me. It's the bittersweet sensation I will get every time I see his face, hear his voice, or read his name.

   

  • 12:57 am
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