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Thursday, 11 June 2009

  • Letting Go

    I realized this morning how easy it is to forget something versus being able to let it go. Some things you hold inside of you just can't be let go so easily, so we choose to just let them rest where they are and forget they exist. The hard part is having someone come along and stir up all those emotions and make you confront them...

    This morning, I realized for the first time how much I still hadn't let go of concerning my ex-boyfriend. All of the memories and baggage are so much a part of me that I forget they exist. I forget how visible they are to the rest of the world, even when I don't want to let anyone see them. I didn't realiwe how much a note can hurt someone else. I never thought that it would bother anyone but me. Until this morning, I guess I never really was given an ultimatum, presented with a choice between the old and the new. Most of the time, I choose the new... but I guard the old deep inside of me, only letting it peek outside every now and again. I guess no one ever really meant as much to me before...

    Right now : I'm surprised at how happy I am. I'm surprised at how free I feel. I thought it would be harder than it was to look back and systematically take apart my past. I thought I'd really let go before but now... I know better now. I know better because he still exists inside me every day. Not anymore, though... I can't let it happen anymore. It hurts to think that the newest person in my life hurts because part of me exists for someone else. I can't have it anymore because he's important. He's it. He's strength enough to help me let go and see that what's in front of me is what's real and what I need. He's love. He's everything.

    Despite disagreements and infrequent anger, I can't be angry at him. I can't be sad around him. He just breathes life into me, and I'm so thankful.

    It is for this that I'm letting go once and for all. It's for this that I'm not going to forget but just let go.

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

  • Remembering what having friends is

    We all have those friends we see every day. They go to class with us, work with us. They eat meals with us and hang out when there is spare time. They buy groceries with you and want to see the same movies. They are the ones who deal with all of your complaining and forgive you for your misgivings. It's an endless cycle of giving and taking, and yet, I have found that my list of friends has come short. I remember spending time all summer with everyone: going to parties, making food, playing video games, sleepovers, etc. I remember the first week back to school when we all partied and had homework parties. I remember the plays and the gossip. I remember meeting someone very special to me. I remember spending less time with everyone. I remember everyone not calling me to do things anymore.

    I especially remember all of the awkward moments people created to make one person or another feel awkward for one reason or the other. I remember all of the truly hurtful things everyone said to everyone else. I remember the alliances. I remember the talks and the pizza. I remember the tears and the smiles. I remember it all.

    I just can't remember when we decided to all stop being friends. We've all grown apart very quickly. It has surprised me very much. I loved spending time with everyone, but I just feel that now I'm not at liberty to do so. There are people I can't be around and people I can't wait to see again. I just wanted everything to be different. Going into my senior year in college, I have found that many of the close friends I made in the beginning are no longer my friends anymore. I realize that I'm in a different place now than I was in before. I'm in a new relationship (that makes me tremendously happy). I have made new friends. I have managed to get my life back in order. I party a lot less.

    I'm not sure if the changes in my life are totally for the good or not. I just know that I have the summer and next semester to try and do some repairing or complete the tearing.

    It's beena  very hard year for me. I've struggled with many obstacles presented to me. My next biggest obstacle is two months in Rennes, France with only one real friend nearby. Wish me luck!

Monday, 20 April 2009

  • Currently
    Scrubs: The Complete Seventh Season
    By Zach Braff, Donald Faison, Sarah Chalke, Neil Flynn, Ken Jenkins
    see related

    El Zagal Shrine Circus... A Surprisingly Moving Moment

    Usually when I go out with my Client, we go to McDonald's. She plays in the Playplace with the other children, making new friends. We sometimes take coloring books into the student union and color for a few hours. There are even times we just watch television and dance around her living room. Once, we spent four hours in the library playing with the blocks and Legos, momentarily working through a children's computer game. This past Sunday, however, I had the opportunity to go to the circus.

    Just to be frank, I hate the circus for a few reasons:
    1) I hate the smell of the animals.
    2) Large animals make me nervous.
    3) I think making bears walk on their hind feet is cruel.
    4) I lack the imagination I had when I was a child that allowed me to appreciate acrobatic feats.
    5) They rob you of every penny you have.

    I arrived at the Fargodome with my client. We entered the stadium and went to find some food. After getting our snacks, we headed into the actual seating area and found a seat high enough to see everything clearly. We sat and waited for a long time for the show to start. When the lights finally dimmed, they did the usual thanking and acknowledging. They had us stand for the national anthem... That's when I started to get choked up. I thought to myself: "You're so silly. How are you choked up over this?" We sat down, and they started the show proper. I watched the first half of the circus as if I was a child again. I was amazed at the acrobats and the bears. I gasped as the magicians performed these simple tricks and quick-changes. I was teary-eyed for over an hour and all because I hadn't been to the circus since I was ten or twelve.

    Have you had an experience like mine? One that made you feel like a kid again?

Saturday, 18 April 2009

Sunday, 22 March 2009

  • Currently
    Comme Si de Rien N'Etait
    By Carla Bruni
    Ma jeunesse
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    Liberating experiences

    I've been reading a lot lately about liberating experiences that my close friends have been having. I just recently had one of my own. I feel like a different person, a new one. I feel like it really hasn't hit me how significant this event is in the grand picture of my entire life. I haven't yet realized the positive repercussions of the event fully. I'm close to having it hit me. I'm so close to realizing what has really happened.

    I feel so happy. I feel so wonderful.

    What has been your most liberating experience and why?
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