August 21, 2008
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The hole goes deep, the pain wide.
I apologize for doing this, but I have decided to go on another jaunt down memory lane. By jaunt, I mean that I will be posting a series of entries from my perspective about parts of my life I have to get off my chest. I will not mention names or dates as best as I can. It's painful for me to go back to some of these memories, but I have to. I have to go back so I can put the memories away in a safe place and move on with my life. I know I said I was done with this, and I promise to give up on sappy until my next relationship rolls around. I promise to at least write them as best as I can. I promise.
I have never pretended to not love him, pretended to not care, but it always comes off as if I have only to gain from his absence. He always looked at me as if I were fragile... I am.
I was lying in bed. My stomach was flat on the mattress, my face smashed against the pillow. I curled my arms beneath me, reaching for the warmth I was thinking of so intensely. All at once, your face appeared next to mine, a haze in front of the blue numbers on my alarm clock. I stared over into the mirror and envisioned you sitting with your back to the wall, listening to me sleep. I could feel your arm slide around my waist, and I gasped as my heart began to race. You nestled into my back, pressing our bodies together.
All I wanted in that moment was to be closer to you, close enough that I couldn't tell we were separate people anymore. I wanted to feel your emotions and hear your thoughts. I wanted to feel as you drifted into sleep and woke again in the day...
But as fast as I could salvage my memories of you, they disappeared. I was left with the ever-wondering thirst I have always had. My once eager mind was a blank page, and my anguish returned. Your biting words that put knots in my heart blackened my eyes again. I hastily closed my eyes to recreate images of us talking for hours under the stars, childlike interludes of playing cat and mouse to avoid admitting how vulnerable we felt.
Comments (1)
Sad, Crissy! Not sad as in a condescending, "oh, how pathetic" kinda sad, but, just sad, in simple terms. Very sad. You need a hug.
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