I will not love you long time! | wynnw's Xanga Site - Weblog

If you all are starved for something interesting and fun to read, read that!

I just happened upon it as I was dusting my desktop off after infrequent use.

In a nutshell, I had a great weekend. It was not only the Christmas Concerts at Concordia College, but also my very first.... real date. It's interesting to be 21 and not to have been on a date where the guy opened all of your doors and paid for dinner and was interested in what you had to say, enthusiastic about sharing themselves with you. It's amazing and wonderful. I can't remember feeling so immensely happy so soon. There isn't even a commitment. There isn't a promise. I... I just feel wonderful.

Wonderful.

To me, dating is hard. Being in a relationship is hard. It's nice for it to be so easy, and by easy, I mean that it feel easier for some reason. It's still the same work, the same need to impress, but it feels right, so it's easy.

It's wonderful.

Finished watching the latest grey's episode!!!

DEAR GOD!!!

I'm so emotionally empty right now I have no idea what to do with myself.

I installed SPORE! I won't play it until tonight, but I'm excited!

Cooking Mama says: If you received this message "hey did u know your face book pictre is all over heysystem.com," don't click on the link, visit the site, or input your information. It's a phishing site!

Last night: lost my cell phone after the show.

This morning: did not wake up to alarm clock, slept through a shift at the bookstore, slept through rehearsal with accompanist for juries, missed a French test, professor can't find my French paper. Mix in three anxiety attacks for the morning (or just one very long and prolific one) and you have my morning.

My boss, Linda, wants to talk to me about whether I'm capable of attending my morning shifts for the rest of the semester and if it would be better for them to not schedule me in the morning at the bookstore next semester. Yeah. Maybe that's a great idea. Yeah.

Show again tonight. If you didn't catch it (and you're in the area), please stop by and support us!

Cast party...

Sleep...

Yesterday was my 21st birthday!

Unfortunately, I spent my entire day reading research and writing a paper on GID for my developmental psychology class. I took a nap and worked, too. I suppose the best thing that came out of the day was money. Well, my parents sent me some money.

It's funny how connected we are as a society now. My mom sent me a text message to wish me a happy birthday. My sister called and texted me. My dad sent me a voicemail. So many of my friends wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and still more greeted me this way when I saw them around campus. It's different for me to experience this much "birthday madness" since my birthday was never a big thing like this. I feel great. It's just awesome. I don't even really know what to say!

We had a dress rehearsal until 11 (past 11 to be correct), so we just hung out together after rehearsal for a while. This leads me to my most favorite birthday memory (with one exception).

Monica and Megan were acting funny. I kept asking Geneva what was up, but she had no idea (even though I thought she knew precisely what was going on the whole time). After rehearsal was done, Monica and Jessie talked with us for a while as we all waited for Matt to decide what we were going to do. After a long while, Matt finally emerged as Geneva and I were ready to leave. We packed up our stuff and bundled up, but just as we passed the door to the front office, Megan pulled Monica and Matt down to the office and called after Geneva and I to follow. She said it was for the ADG meeting (which Geneva and I are not a part of). I was weirded out. The minute the three of us walked through the door our mouths dropped. Our friends were standing around a table with an ice-cream cake on it. We blew out the candles together and ate the cake. It was wonderful. I can't remember feeling so surprised in my entire life. It was... It is something I will always remember.

Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes.

Calculus.

Developmental Psych.

Cabaret. Concordia College Theatre Production. This weekend and next weekend. Free admission to all Concordia students and staff. Please come!

Word of the Day: pejoratively (adj.): having a disparaging, derogatory, or belittling effect or force: the pejorative affix -ling in princeling.

Come tell me your story to unload your glorious grief
Where you are the valet of honour and I am the thief
And don't ever mention the stains that you left on my track
How from a beautiful girl I became someone ruined and wrecked
It was all in your back
All in your back

So I spin in the dance of your absence and put on a show
But why do I smile baby, you of all people should know
The one that you loved
Died a long time ago

You can't do me wrong with charity until
You'll exhaust your lies and remedies, you will
But with your voice and melodies you kill, you kill
Your version of glory is dark and it's covered with sin
And I wanna dive in an ocean of pink tourmaline
I've seen the pure souls they exist and they fly
I think I could live with it, I know I can now

You can't do me wrong with charity until
You'll exhaust your lies and remedies, you will
But with your voices and melodies you kill, you kill

It's funny how now that I'm not in the palm of your hand
You're still running blindly to save me again and again
But I don't need a friend
No, I don't need a friend

You can't do me wrong with charity until
You'll exhaust your lies and remedies, you will
But with your voice and melodies you kill, you kill

Have you ever felt terrible about saying something? Knowing you were 100% honest? Knowing you won't take it back?

I feel like that right now...

We were sitting in the dining center: Heather, Geneva, Will, and I. I forget how we got there... Wait. I remember now. We were talking about next year and the fourth room that Paul will leave vacant. I had already decided that the room should remain empty because we could live happily with just the three of us and an extra $50 tacked onto our rent. It's just easier if less people live in the house. That's what I say, at least. For a while now, I have said and thought that I would move out of this house and into a better place next year. I love living in this house, but it would be nice to have a little better place to live. I mentioned this to them at dinner, and they both immediately objected because I said I might find somewhere in Fargo. I told them not to worry. Besides, it's not as if they have to live with me next year. Heather might live with Michelle, and Geneva..? I'm not sure what she would do. That makes me sad.

I don't want to live my life constantly pleasing others for their sake instead of mine. It's nice to be liked by everyone, but I'm growing tired of it. I hate always just giving in and perpetually doing things to make life easier on everyone else and not on me. I'm always picking people up from places, taking people to places, helping with this and that, washing dishes, cleaning out the fridge, running conflict interference. I hate it. I'm done with it.

I could care less if so and so said whatever to whoever else. It's not my problem. I don't need to get involved. Everyone is too nosy and too mercurial to really grasp that relationships are reciprocal, requiring an equal amount of commitment from both parties. It's not an alliance of convenience. It's about growth and understanding. It's learning from each other and teaching each other something new about themselves and ourselves. It's a beautiful, holy, spiritual union between two people.

I just feel like no one cares for any one else anymore. It's all about who is better than whom and in what way they can benefit each other for their own personal gain. It's about "one-upping" and bragging.

I'm just done with it.

I've entered a point in my life where I honestly feel like I'm doing something wrong by going against what my closest friends think. I feel betrayed that they don't trust that my decisions are well thought out and honest. I should be confident in my decisions, but that's hard to be when simply saying one wrong thing can spiral my relationship with them out of control, which is what happened tonight.

I should have been a little more tactful maybe, but I'm tired of being pushed around. I'm tired of being walked on and brushed aside. I'm tired of the negativity and the sarcasm. I'm sick of the lies and the gossip. I just want to graduate college and leave. I want to move on with my life and maybe forget... or stow away my memories.

I don't need this right now.

...and I'm over it.

The first two days of my third year in college have officially passed. This semester, I am taking Calculus, French 311, Psych Stats, and Developmental Psychology. Fun stuff, right? It's all going well so far. The Calculus is an odd story that no one finds funny except for me. I was originally registered for Pre-Calculus but decided that it was way too easy for me (considering I almost fell asleep during his very first lesson because I already knew everything he was talking about). Long story short, I went straight to the registrar after class and transfered to Calculus. After that, I bought the book and went to see my new professor for the first day's assignment and syllabus.

So far, I'm done with all of my homework except for the reading and chapter pre-test for Developmental Psych. I was too busy re-programming my brain for Calculus to bother with that reading. I also took some awesome notes for Stats. That was fun stuff. I'm glad I'm ahead of the curve in all of my classes so far. French will be super easy because I've already taken the course before and know all of the material. I just need to make sure to participate in class and to do well on all of the culture assignments (my weaknesses).

I went to the dance audition for Cabaret. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. We went there and did a warm-up dance and then got straight into it. I had a lot of fun, and I think I did really well comparatively. We'll see how my acting/singing audition will go. The only component of the auditions that I don't think I'll do well on is the acting audition. I'm really nervous about it because I've never had to do an acting audition before. I've never done a monologue like this before, and I'm not sure what the process is for the auditions. I know I sing my song and read my monologue. I know I have to read/recite the monologue twice in two different ways. I just don't know if I'm supposed to look a certain way or do certain things in between the different parts of the audition. I'm sure about singing, just not completely sure about the acting. We'll see. I've decided that I would enjoy any role, even a chorus role. I just want the opportunity to be in the musical for fun's sake. There's nothing wrong with that, is there?

After the audition on Friday, we all went to a party. It was a lot of fun once people started playing beer pong. We all just hung out and talked. I ordered two pizzas for us all to share. It was partly due to the fact that I was drunk and incredibly hungry. I had a great time, though. I've never been that drunk before. It was an interesting feeling but not one that I am willing to duplicate any time soon. It's just too vulnerable. It's just asking for it, especially since I was in a partially unfamiliar place with people I knew and some I didn't. Note to self: Make better choices. Still, I had a great time, and I can't wait to hang with that crowd again very soon.

Independent:

• Paying my own bills.
• Being able to live on my own.
• The ability to go out when I want to if I feel like it.
• Knowing my own limits and sticking inside of them.
  
     

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