I know that we received a second chance, somehow. I suppose I didn't foresee the end. I always envisioned us taking it slow and getting it right, lasting a lifetime and more. I always wanted him to look at me and see the person he would spend the rest of his life with, a woman he was always anxious to learn with and love with. I used to want that so badly. Now, I just want to rewind and start at the very beginning. I want to avoid the heartbreak and the pain before it ever came to fruition.

Even I can't always get what I want.

As I dove into my dreams, I saw you again. You simply stood in front of me with your intense face, eyes bluer than they have ever been before. Your posture was calm and casual, inviting. I stood in my place, just admiring you. My eyes lingered over your face,r esting on your upturned lips. I closed my eyes and saw you leaning forward to take a step, steadily closing the gap between us. My eyes, opened, and you were right in front of me. My eyes opened, and you were right in front of me, taking my tear-soaked face in your hands. You simply stared into my eyes with all of the understanding and tenderness you've been blessed with, and I collapsed.

I remembered feeling dizzy, reaching out for your arm to steady myself, relief enveloping me as you closed me in your embrace. I rested my forehead against your chest, counting your heartbeats as they coolly  leapt from your body into mine. It took me a few minutes to regain my composure, but as soon as I could stand, you set me on my own feet and surveyed my face. I gave nothing away, just a resigned sigh, a reminder of what a great man you were to me: stable and kind.

I never imagined seeing your face so distant. Your blue eyes were stony and pale. I tried to ease the tension by smiling and making jokes, but you just gave a brief chuckle before returning your gaze to the wall. I just stared into the ceiling, studying the joints between the windows and walls. I let my mind wonder about you, dazily dreaming about how we used to be so new at this, eager to try anything, talk about anything. We lost that innocence so fast. I don't know where it went, but I still miss it.

I apologize for doing this, but I have decided to go on another jaunt down memory lane. By jaunt, I mean that I will be posting a series of entries from my perspective about parts of my life I have to get off my chest. I will not mention names or dates as best as I can. It's painful for me to go back to some of these memories, but I have to. I have to go back so I can put the memories away in a safe place and move on with my life. I know I said I was done with this, and I promise to give up on sappy until my next relationship rolls around. I promise to at least write them as best as I can. I promise.

I have never pretended to not love him, pretended to not care, but it always comes off as if I have only to gain from his absence. He always looked at me as if I were fragile... I am.

I was lying in bed. My stomach was flat on the mattress, my face smashed against the pillow. I curled my arms beneath me, reaching for the warmth I was thinking of so intensely. All at once, your face appeared next to mine, a haze in front of the blue numbers on my alarm clock. I stared over into the mirror and envisioned you sitting with your back to the wall, listening to me sleep. I could feel your arm slide around my waist, and I gasped as my heart began to race. You nestled into my back, pressing our bodies together.

All I wanted in that moment was to be closer to you, close enough that I couldn't tell we were separate  people anymore. I wanted to feel your emotions and hear your thoughts. I wanted to feel as you drifted into sleep and woke again in the day...

But as fast as I could salvage my memories of you, they disappeared. I was left with the ever-wondering thirst I have always had. My once eager mind was a blank page, and my anguish returned. Your biting words that put knots in my heart blackened my eyes again. I hastily closed my eyes to recreate images of us talking for hours under the stars, childlike interludes of playing cat and mouse to avoid admitting how vulnerable we felt.

I'll keep it short and simple.

1. Stinky breath. It really isn't too much to ask to date a guy who always smells and tastes like he just brushed his teeth. It isn't.
2. Oversized/baggy clothing. I think that my guy should be a little more clean cut. 
3. A No-Brainer. I love learning, and it's incredibly important to me to have someone around who I can learn from and learn with. I don't mean a know-it-all all-the-time.
4. Party Pooper. I love going out when I have the time, and it's awesome to be able to take that special someone out with me and have a good time. It's not about impressions. It's about just living and being young. It's about being comfortable doing whatever, whenever.
5. Fast Forwarding. I HATE it when people rush into things. It can mean bad news in so many different ways. I like to take my time with people, and I don't appreciate being rushed into anything, especially when getting to a good point in any relationship is all about spending the time to really get to know each other.

   

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This past Friday, my roommates and I went to our friend's wedding. It was a beautiful day for a wonderful service and reception. I had a great deal of fun just hanging out with my roommates and enjoying the company of my college friends again. Following is a collection of the photos we took over the course of the day. Enjoy!

Waiting for the ceremony to start.

I can see my reflection in Geneva's sunglasses, taking the picture.

Julie is Superbad in this picture...

Now she's making awkward faces at me.

He always moves out of the frame unconsciously.

There we go! It's a senior photo!

Geneva and I in our classic "let's take a picture."

Geneva's "wound." She fell off her bike across railroad tracks.

Here she comes! She's stunning.

She's walking with her father and all she can do is smile.

I've never seen a more gorgeous bride.

The happy moment.

Again with the awkward faces. This time we're at the reception, held at the Red River Valley Zoo.

Geneva and I rode the carousel. It was a great time!

She always poses.

We're concocting an after party for our roomies.

WHA!!!!

This is the most pissed off face I have ever seen from Paul. Everyone laugh!

Does Julie know what types of faces she makes at my camera?

I smell trouble!

Mwah ha ha!

The lone gopher! Sad day!

I thought it would be awesome to get a photo of Geneva in front of this ridiculous striped bison. It matches her dress.

Ten points for the secret in the first photo. The flowers are just for fun.

Since summer began, I've been slowly coping with the fact that I may never speak to or see him ever again.

It's hard lying in bed each night, trying to close my eyes, when all I can think about is his face. It's sad that I can't do anything but scorn the very thought of him when it comes, especially when I sit in my room alone almost every night, wondering if I'll ever get to just say goodbye. The face of the matter is: I've been paying a price for how pushy and often mercurial I was when I was with him. As much as I'd like to deny it (and save us, women, from the agony of defeat), I think I pushed him away by trying to be myself and fit his image of me. I made myself a blank canvas that I would just paint over each time I thought he might disapprove of or reject me. When I'm alone like this, I honestly do believe that he wanted the break so that he could make up his mind about me and where he was going with me, what I even mean to him.

Sometimes, I imagine where I would be right now if I hadn't decided to stay in Minnesota over the summer and spend it home, in Colorado, close to him. I wonder if my decision to stay here ultimately led him to making his decision to take a break because it would be a great time to just end.

When I feel terrible, I stare at my cellphone, directly at his number, wondering if I'm allowed to call and just say hello.

It's baffling to me that someone I loved more than anyone would become a stranger in such a short period of time. After that one phone conversation, we cut each other off, barely communicating. I tried a few times to just drop him a line about how I was doing, but it just didn't feel the same anymore. A simple crack about finals just wasn't as funny as it used to be. I just felt alone and awkward.

This summer, I've been taken back to a place I didn't know existed anymore. It threw me right back into my cave... The worst part is knowing that I want to move on because I can't handle the crying over him when I least expect it or the secret smile that pops on my face everytime I see or hear something that reminds me of him. It feels like the biggest support and care I ever felt outside of my family just disappeared, forcing me to fill it in with a dozen others who just don't understand like he does... or did.

All this time I've been trying to just put my best foot forward and just try and get along without him being there for me. Here's the hitcher:

I'm in love with someone I sometimes doubted. I'm in love with someone I thought would always be there for me. I'm enarmoured with this man who made me feel beautiful and worthy, a man who never let me settle for anything. I'm head over heels for the guy who has just as much sass as I do and all of the sensitivity I hide from the rest of the world.

I'm in love with the one person I think I'll never get over and never forget, the one person in the entire world that I can share anything with and do anything with, the person I will think of and worry about every day for the rest of my life.

The true price of stepping forward is knowing that he'll always be with me. It's the bittersweet sensation I will get every time I see his face, hear his voice, or read his name.

The most inconvenient thing to remove from my life right now would be the internet. I know, it sounds incredibly childish. It really is my only means of communication, though. I don't have a land line, and I don't know who I can count on to keep up the relay of messages through snail mail. A better question for me to answer would be "What would be the most convenient thing to ADD to your life right now?" To this, I say time. Time or money. Since money is time, I think either would be wonderful. I could always use some more time in my day so that I could sleep more or study more or do whatever more. That would be most convenient.

   

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If I had just one day off, I would sleep in. I would wake up around noon, make myself a great big brunch, and eat it all by myself. I'd watch a few movies I haven't gotten around to, and I would also write a decent blog for once. If I had a day off, I would go to the post office and finally send a package to my best friend, Stace. I would even get around to looking up the address for my Uncle Jimmy in California so I can't mail him a letter. I would do all of my laundry, clean the bathroom, organize my bookshelves, rearrange my room, and take a really long bath (something I haven't had the time for all summer). I would view that one day as the summer vacation I haven't been able to have because I work at least 16 hours every day.

If I had a day off, I would dust off my camera and take some pictures of my house and the surrounding neighborhood so that you all could enjoy the green-ness of Moorhead, Minnesota in its short-lived glory. I might even have enough time to start posting to my video blog, Words of Wisdom (a funny spin on life's answers to everything). 

If I had a day off, I would probably be the happiest person in the whole world. Amen.

   

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Once upon a time (Friday night), I went to work. I had already completed eight hours of work at the hotel when I stumbled into the hotel to work another six hours. I walk in and my boss is standing there doing some work (she was covering for me for a couple of hours). She tells me everything I need to know and leaves. I start the laundry in the back, do a few check-ins, and decide to make sure my till is correct. It's great, so I continue with check-ins and do more laundry. I start to get really behind on the laundry because of the immense amount of calls and complaints I am getting about the rooms. I am trying my best to geteverything done, but it's harder than it looks. The next guy who relieves me shows up and is amazed at the amount of laundry I left him. I didn't mean to: it was just unavoidable. Before I leave, I count my till again... $130 short. I counted and recounted. I searched all over the place for that money, but it was definitely gone. My conlcusion is that I handed back too much money to someone after punching in the wrong amount of money they gave me into the computer. Completely my fault.

Once upon a time (Saturday night), I went work at 3pm. Again, my boss is working the desk and says she's trying to find out where the money went. She told me to go in the back and work on laundry so we can get caught back up. She said that she'd take care of the front desk so I could just do guest requests and laundry. I get caught back up and have a great amount of laundry done. Unfortunately, after my boss leaves, I notice that the last load of laundry I washed didn't drain the water during the wash cycle. I start it again but the next time it doesn't look drained at all. I call my boss and tell her about it. She says to try washing it again. I do. This time, I open it afterwards because it appears that the problem is fixed...

WRONG!!!

The water completely drained from the washer all over me and the laundry room floor. I shut it immediately so that all of the water wouldn't dump out. I hastily mop up as much as I can and set rags on the floor to catch some of the water from leaving the pool underneath the washer. I breathe really hard and call my boss again, asking if I should call the maintenane guy. To make this long story short, we couldn't get a hold of him and still had ALL of the sheets to wash. SAD DAY! So, we had to leave that laundry for the night auditor to do over at the other hotel. Wow... That's ridiculous. I have to go to work again at 3pm and will probably have to deal with all of the backlog of laundry again. I'm sad but well-rested and able.

Pray for me.

P.S. I saw "P.S. I Love You" for the first time last night at a sleepover-type thing. Everyone fell asleep, but I was glued to the television screen. This movie speaks everything I have ever felt about my first true love. That's powerful. I recommend it if you haven't seen it. Keep your tissues close.

There really aren't a lot of things I would change about the way my parents raised me. I think that I grew up incredibly well. I always had everything I needed and most of the things I wanted. I would have to say that I was incredibly spoiled. I still am spoiled, for that matter.

If I had to change something, though, I would love to have had more time with my schoolmates. I never really spent a ton of time out of my room because I was always reading or playing video games or doing homework. I spent very little time with my friends because I was always afraid that my parents would say no (which was true a good majority of the time). I'm thankful that they said no when they did, but it still would've been nice to slack off and be a normal kid for once. If anything, I would love to go back and change how I acted towards my parents. I was incredibly rebellious and stubborn--traits I acquired from both of my parents.  I'm slowly getting closer to my mother. It's been hard because there has been a lot of damage. I think we're finally getting there, though. I love my mom (and my pops).

   

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The worst thing about living with my roommates is dishwashing. We're all trying to find a balance between personal and community dishwashing. I don't know what the problem is with my male companion in the house. He was on a cleaning spree in the kitchen when I got home from work. He was making a ton of noise and cleaning everything! I was afraid of going in there (on top of the fact that I want to kill something every single time I see him). I went to get a glass of water to cool down. As I was filling my glass, I noticed that he was only HALF washing the dishes. He washed the inside of the dishes and not the outside. He didn't rinse all the soap off of the glasses or make sure the inside of a lot of the dishes were actually clean. When I had settled down to catch up on some Smallville, he went straight into my room to look for dirty cups. I asked him what he was doing just as he was opening Julie's door. He knows better than to just barge into someone's room. How can we trust that out stuff is safe when he feels it alright to just go into someone's room and take something or look at something? He didn't even think twice about it or ask if I thought it was alright. It's rude and inconsiderate. This has become my pet peeve lately: disrespect for others' property. It really isn't that hard to just ask someone if you can watch that movie or borrow this book. It's really not difficult to just ask and occasionally accept the fact that the answer is NO to that question and that there is no possibility of a yes.

It's moments like this that I open iTunes, search for Kate Nash, and play "Dickhead," because that is exactly what he is. I can't even remember ever being friends with him at all. It's strange how living together changes all of that so quickly.

On that note, I need YOUR help. Tell me about your horrible roommate experiences. Got any harmless pranks that my roommates and I could play on our amigo from hell? Nothing too serious, just enough to poke some fun.