Moving on is the hardest step to take. I keep reminiscing about things that I can't control and can't change. I can't erase the words I wrote or mute my words. I can't pretend that I'm not finding ways to cope and move on, even though I'm trying so hard to keep holding on to everything I hold so deep in my heart. The biggest part of breaking up with someone is learning how to get back into the love game again. It's easy to figure out who you like and who you don't. It's also a breeze to find the people you're definitely attracted to and would like to pursue. That's the hitcher, though: the pursuit. It takes some real guts to drop the not-so-subtle hints to a special someone. I know what you're thinking: "Why are you going to just tell the boy you like him and get over it?" Well, it's just not that easy.
As much as just taking the leap of faith would make me feel so much better, I'm not ready yet. It's something you just know how to do when you find yourself in a situation that helps you through it. My event was meatloaf. Meatloaf.
Although he didn't really get the hint, I learned a few things out for myself. That's all that matters, right? Besides, the chase is the fun part, even when it hurts. The reward is so much better that way, too. I suppose one has to keep in mind that the reward may never come, and that's fine with me, too. I'm just actively pursuing the love in my life without letting my heart become too committed again. It may be a safeguard, but it's the best way for me to go to be at night without wondering if so-and-so is okay, if he thinks about me, if he'll ever want me back again... For that matter, I wonder what I would say if he showed up on my doorstep right now.
For one, I would be flabbergasted. It is 1:51 AM. Plus, it never seemed liked I was worth the trouble, the time, or the money. I don't really know, though, I suppose. Most of what I know if just what I speculate because everything seemed so one-sided. He probably feels the same way. I can't say that I'm not at fault, either. It just hurts knowing that I may have, and probably did, do something wrong, and I'll never know because he won't talk to me. He doesn't talk to me. No matter how hard I try, it seems like that one phone conversation in tears left us farther apart than we ever were.
Again, it's the distance that hurts. It's knowing that I could probably arrange some sort of meeting or a walk or coffee or something to make my mind finally rest. I've always been one to apologize, even when I know I didn't do anything wrong. I always gets so worried and upset and anxious when I know perfectly well that I probably shouldn't feel like that at all. I wake up every morning feeling like I'm going to mess my life up, and I go to bed calculating my paychecks and hours of sleep. I wonder if the sink is going to be full of dishes when I get home or if my roommates are fighting with each other in their reclusive manners. I dream up all of these dramatic moments and play them again and again to amuse and disgust myself, maybe even just to hurt myself for something I'm almost positive I've done wrong.
It's insecurity.
All I can do is work through the things I know are right and try to repair the things I know are broken. All of the uncertainties have to take a back-seat to my mental health and physical well-being. I can't keep eating one and a half meals a day or sleeping for 6 hours a night. I need to work out more and eat more regularly and stop worrying so much about what others think. I can only be myself as I am and live my life as I know I'm fit to. It's my box, and I don't have to go outside of it unless I really want to. I think that it's definitely time to take that step, but for some reason, I'm finding the expanding walls collapse around me, leaving me in a smaller space than I originally had.
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