Well, I'm back in Minnesota. I had one successful hanging out with friends, one failed attempt at hanging out with friends, lots of time with my family, and the wonderful memory of Anthony and Jenny's wedding. It was beautiful. Someday, I hope to experience something so joyous and awesome in my own life. Someday, indeed...

I tried getting some things straightened out to no avail. Alas, my questions remain unanswered as I continue to reach for them. It's probably because I'm such a wimp about it all. I'm over it, though. I really am over it. I can't keep living my life behind a wall of strength when there really is nothing there. I'm always saying I'm fine when I'm really not. I want to just be able to talk about how I really am feeling right now, but I can't. I can't because I feel like I'm imposing. I really only have one person I can talk to, and I have the feeling that I won't be able to have the chance now (or maybe ever). It's a little devastating, but I need to take things one step at a time and just move on.

Progress is moving forward right?

Anyway, Mom ended up buying me the desktop that I wanted. I didn't even have to ask. She just handed me the credit card. It was super nice and unnecessary of her. I'm really surprised by it: surprised and happy. I need a new computer because my lappy is dying, but yeah... Soon, I'll have a new Dell Inspiron desktop with a 22" LCD monitor with built-in webcam and mic. Praise me.

Hope everyone is enjoying their summer (or 9-5).

It's strange to finally be going home again. It's been about five months since I've been back. It's going to be great to see my family and the puppies.

I was interrupted when I started that first line. A few hours later, I continue writing. lol... I really need to finish packing. I just put a load of laundry in the dryer, which has a bunch of clothes that I need for home. Oh well...

Hope to see my Colorado people soon! I'll miss everyone in Minnesota, though!

Sometimes, I become enraged. I know it's wrong, but it's very true. Sometimes, I just want to hurt people. Sometimes, I just want to scream and fight, but I can't. I can't because I know what happens when I lose control. I know how I feel afterwards. I know the looks I could be given for standing up and really supporting myself. When I finally feel a little free, something happens to make me become grounded again. I know that I should let some things slide off my back. I know that there are some battles I should choose to lose. It's so hard for me to give in because I'm not a follower. I know that I'm not meant to just take what people say without question. I was put here to do something with my life, to be someone for God. It gets harder and harder each day I step closer to the world. It's hard to know when I'm right and wrong. It's hard to gauge when I'm being fair and unfair. It's sad to think that I may be hurting myself more than my friends and family have ever done before. It's frustrating and angering. I can't help it. It just happens.

I got into a fight with Paul, more like a weird argument. He kept telling me that I didn't understand his point of view. I do. I really do. I know where he's coming from, but why can't he see my way? Why am I wrong? Why can't we both have some part of the truth to ourselves? WHY IS IT SO FRUSTRATING???? I've decided that I can't live with Paul, too. I'm not leaving because I'm the reason we all got this house. I have decided that I'm going to make some serious changes, though. I'm tired of just being accommodating. I'm tired of it. When I was a junior, I broke up with Collin and decided that I was tired of settling and letting myself feel so broken all of the time. Whether I actually felt whole throughout high school, I'll never know. I just know that life was easier to live when I knew that I was doing right by God, my family, and myself. That's all that matters, and if that's what it takes, that's what I'm going to do. That's all I can do to remain sane, safe, and friendly.

I'm tired. I miss my family, and...

I miss you.

Lately, I've noticed how many times my friends and I have said the words: "When I was younger..." It's strange knowing that we're fresh out of our second year of college and feeling so many changes. The only real change we've made recently is living in a house versus on campus. It's so weird how different it is to live on your own, even when you're surrounded by people you know and trust. You start to figure out their weird quarks: what they eat, their pet peeves, how they sleep, what they do when you would normally be leaving for your own room. It's weird and interesting. I had no idea how I would fare living with one of my best friends, a relatively close guy friend, and my newfound amigo. First of all, LIVING WITH A BOY IS WEIRD AND AWKWARD. To vent a little, it seems as if he doesn't know how to be considerate of others (or at least the ones he lives with). He's always reading and not participating in group conversations, just sitting there and reading without contributing at all. He likes to lord over us and tell us about life and living on our own when this is his first time, too. Just because he's a little over three months older than me does not mean he's had significant life experiences enough to void mine out. I digress; it's not anything I expected of someone who acts so differently when we're in public.

Some awesome news: my bed arrives later this afternoon. I'm really excited to not sleep on the floor on the mattress anymore. It'll be good to be able to sleep on my very own bed that only I have slept in. It'll be nice to open up my new sheet set and spread it over the mattress, draping my blanket over it and tossing the pillows. It will be the most marvelous and amazing experience ever. Well, maybe not EVER. It WILL be great, though.

Willy, Geneva and I have be seeing each other almost every day, it seems. It's been fun. We watch movies and t.v., talk, rant and rave, eat, and just enjoy having other kindred spirits in the same room... like old times. It hasn't even been very long since we had our week of finals and moved out of the residence halls. It seems like such a long ago memory, but really... It's not at all.

It sounds a little cheesy, but I've been thinking about my faith lately. I know that I don't think about God enough. I don't even consider him much anymore. I have given myself to God, but I rarely converse with him unless I'm really lost and can't find my path again. It's like he's the friend I go to when I want something instead of going to him because I love him. I do love him. It's not that I'm feeling lost right now (or that I'm feeling down). It's just nice to be in contact with God because He never leaves. He's always with me, and I can appreciate a friend who won't leave when I push away.

The summer has just begun. Already, I feel like a new person. I've gone through a lot of changes. When I was younger, I always dreamed of getting to this place. In a way, I'm exactly who I wanted to be then: Me. I'm not done getting to that place yet, but I'm well on my way.

-------------------------------------
Thought for the day:

I never realized how lonely it would be living with two people I spend a good majority of my time with. I never knew I could feel so isolated. I could go out and do something, but what? What would I do? Who could I see? Where would I go? I don't really have a lot of friends in the area. It's sad but very true. I have people I can hang out with here; it's not as if I know no one at all. I'm just not as close with people as I originally thought I was. I like the privacy for the most part, but I'm still getting used to it. It's hard living so quietly and going to work where solitude is  a given because of training and the lack of students during the summer. It's actually surprising how many customers we may get in one day... Anyway, I wish I had someone to talk to. I have people, but they aren't the people I really want to be talking to. It's silly, I know. I suppose Carly Simon had it right: You never really know what you've got 'til it's gone. I'm not going to say that I want it back right at this moment because I'm not even sure. It's nice having a break and taking a breath. It's like a burden was lifted from my shoulders, leaving me hollow instead of whole. I said I would be okay. I said that I would learn to deal with it, and I am. I can't take that back. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. The very first time he and I separated, I lost my breath for a few seconds. I was confused and guilty because I knew it was my fault, but I thought there might be a another chance for me. I didn't realize that the second chance would come two years later. Now that I'm here, at the end of a year and a half of the opportunity, I'm lost again. I sit at my desk, unsure of what I'm doing next and what I should accomplish. I feel more poor than I have ever felt before. It's not that I don't have money, which I don't. It is simply the fact that he and I shared something special to me. Our relationship was something of value. It was the thing I valued more than anything else. I could see him and me and look at myself with confidence. I honestly feel like a part of me that made me worthwhile is gone. I've been trying so hard to mask my emotions and my inhibitions so that no one will know. In many ways, I've never let anyone else carry my burdens. I keep my problems to myself because I feel like my problems are my own and that it shouldn't be up to someone else to help me come to terms with my misgivings. I guess what it has really come down to is the fact that I've been angry at him for shouldering his own burden when I could never let him help me carry mine. For how much I trust and love him, it really doesn't seem fair anymore. And so, I wait.

Well, I'm moved into the house. Everyone is, for the most part. We are currently going through the process of unpacking our crap so we can rest a little easier without so much clutter tonight. It's exciting. Geneva's mom was here and bought us some starter groceries. She's so nice. She is thoughtful and is just a giving person, despite not having the money to be so. I love her. She loves Neva so much. It's cute. It makes me miss my mama.

I just need to clear enough stuff so that I can fit the mattress from downstairs into my room. That will be awesome, indeed. I'm hoping there is enough room for everything, too. I had a hard day at work, so I'm completely pooped already. It was a good day at work, though. I'm happy. It's a great group of people to work with. I'm still in need of a small part-time job to make some extra cash, but that will come in time. No rush, and no worries.

I
didn't see it coming.

I
sit on my bed writing as a flood of emotions began to overwhelm me. A thick
sadness wells up inside my throat, heavy sobs bursting from my chest. My
vision blurs so I cannot see anything anymore, but I keep writing. I write
everything. I write each disconnected thought that comes into my head about him,
about me, and about us. I pause for a moment to look at the television set.
Even the moving images of the comedy that is airing are not enough to lighten
my mood. The crying keeps on, and I begin to feel numb.

I
shut my journal, loving the sound of magnetic clasp hitting the cover, but
still, my heart will not let me revel in it. My mind displays a barrage of images of his
face on the lids of my darkened eyes. Unable to handle it anymore, I get out of
bed and stumble through the dim light to my chair, waking my laptop up.

I
get online and sit in front of a white screen, unsure of what I am planning on
doing. My hand seems to know what it wants to do and clicks several links until
my inbox is opened to a message from him. I read it slowly, over and over. I
look at the words and try to determine whether there's something there I
missed, something I didn't catch but nothing is there. I stare at the bright
screen, still unable to console myself of the salt and water streaming from my
eyes. My sobs have turned into gasps, and my body is weak from lack of breath.

I
look at the page and begin to compose a message to him:

I'm just seeing how you're doing. I've been okay, about as
okay as one can be during finals. I've only had one a day, and today was
incredibly easy because I only had to turn in a paper.

Listen, I'm not doing as okay as I thought I would. It may
just take me some time. I don't know. It's completely selfish of me. I know it
is, but I think about you all of the time. I worry about you.

I just want you to be happy and healthy, but I don't want to
have you become a stranger to me. We were strangers for two years, and I don't
want that to happen again.

Each
sentence is a struggle through indecision. I sit waiting for the right words to
come to, though none ever came. I keep going back and forth between sounding
cheerful and letting him know everything I feel, everything that confuses me.

I
click send before I have the chance to tell him that I love him. I click send
and let my emotions stabilize.

I
sit, blankly staring at a white screen that won't talk back to me. I sit,
wondering whether or not I'm really as alone as I feel right now. I sit,
knowing that these feelings will stop hurting me in time. I weep knowing that
the time it takes will be unbearable.

2:01
AM

Moorhead,
MN

May
2, 2008

Sunlight falling crisply on my face,
stretching past me onto the grass;
Clouds running through the sea,
above me a fluid melody of breezes;
Leaves tossing and turning,
the brilliant spectrum of smells and sights:

11:35 am
Moorhead, MN
April 22, 2008

WENDLA
Just too unreal, all this
Watching the words fall from my lips

MELCHIOR
Baiting some girl with hypotheses

BOTH
Haven’t you heard the word of your body?

MELCHIOR
Don’t feel a thing, you wish

WENDLA
Grasping at pearls with my fingertips

MELCHIOR
Holding her hand like some little tease

BOTH
Haven’t you heard the word of my wanting?

O, I’m gonna be wounded
O, I’m gonna be your wound
O, I’m gonna bruise you
O, you’re gonna be my bruise

Just too unreal, all this…

WENDLA
Watching his world slip through my fist

MELCHIOR
Playing with her in your fantasies

BOTH
Haven’t you heard the word – how I want you?

O, I’m gonna be wounded
O, I’m gonna be your wound
O, I’m gonna bruise you
O, you’re gonna be my bruise

There has been a major change in my life, but it's okay. I'm fortunately done crying about it, and I'm thinking that it's best just to move on. Everything works out in the end. God never gives us anything that He knows we cannot handle with His help, so I rest myself knowing that I'm going to be okay. I was sitting at my desk about to write a paper when this song was playing. I paused just long enough to catch the words. I'm happy if he's happy.

The next time it happens, I'll be wise enough to know
not to trust my eyesight when my eyes begin to glow.
The next time I'm in love with anyone like you,
my heart will sing no love song until I know the words are true.
The next time it happens, what a foolish thing to say!
Who expects a miracle to happen everyday?
It isn't in the cards, as far as I can see,
that a thing so beautiful and wonderful
could happen more than once to me.

Thanks, Rodgers and Hammerstein.