I haven't had a lot to say lately. I'm tired. It's more of an exhaustion.

We sort of got into tai chi. I think I'm over it (at least as a group activity). It's supposed to be fun and relaxing. Instead, I feel like I'm being pressured by rules to do it 100% correctly. I don't understand why people are not okay with me saying that if we're going to do something we should do it completely. To be clear, that idea does not mean that it has to be done correctly and completely from the very beginning. I just mean that we should take it seriously and enjoy ever second of it. I just feel like it has become this ridiculous hassle. This, incidentally, is how I feel about a lot of things in my life. I'm really done with this school year. I'm having the same anxieties that I had last semester. The difference is that I know that I've been doing loads better this semester compared to last semester. I also know that I've been more successful overall in keeping myself happier and more occupied.

I wish life would get a little easier. I remember when life wasn't about drama like it has been this year. I remember when my life was just about what we were going to do and when we were going to do it. I remember when things didn't have to be prefaced with apologies and long, drawn-out explanations. Life was simpler before I came to college. Heck! Life was simple until this academic year. I'm over it, though.

I'm over it.

---

From where I sit, I can here them talking. I know that what they're saying isn't good. I know that it's about me, and I know that I would never like to know what it is they're making fun of. I'm my own person. I am my own personality and feelings. I own myself, and no one can take that away from me. It's hard for me to hear that I'm doing it wrong. Realize that I know when I'm doing something wrong. Realize that I'm perfectly aware of my decisions when I make them. Life is the game no one wins, and I'm okay with it. You don't need to discuss my decisions with other people because it doesn't matter to them. It doesn't matter that I have chosen to do it my way. It doesn't matter that you didn't listen to me. It doesn't matter that I never ignored your ideas and your opinions. It doesn't matter that you think you don't have a voice enough to just tell me what you feel to me instead of someone else. It's worse for me to know that you're talking about me when I'm sitting right here listening than hearing it straight from your mouth to my face. From where I sit, I can hear you talking. Know that I'm not okay with it. I'm done with it. I'm done.

Wow... Geneva and I spent about eight hours painting and doing random touch-ups in her mom's new house! The best part is that we're being paid for it! I liked it, though. For some reason, time spent doing productive things that don't count as homework has made me feel more empowered about my abilities. I've also decided that I could totally live on my own and do the things I need to. It's just a good gut feeling I have. I don't know how well this idea will hold up in practice this summer, but we'll certainly find out soon enough.

Geneva and I went to this awesome coffee place called Butter. I suggest you all go there the next time you're in the St. Paul area. The ambience is great, and the food was really filling. It looks like a fun place to sit for a while and study or just catch up with friends. It's also just a few blocks away from where the new house is, so that's exciting. They also have free wifi for all of you genetically attached to your computers/internet technology.

On top of getting to go to an amazing coffee shop, Geneva got to meet Collin for the very first time! We drove down for dinner after Geneva's mom gave us a tour of the new place and told us what we needed to accomplish if we had the time or the desire. Back to the story, though... We drove down to Northfield in the odd and cold weather. We ended up heading to Applebee's for a bite to eat. I had the fettucini. It took me forever to order for some reason. I have no idea. it was fun just talking and being awkward and stuff. I just wanted to cuddle with Collin all night, but I had to drive back to the cities to sleep before out long day of working. Geneva and I did go up to his room and hang out for a while. Neva was tired, so we didn't stay too long. It was fun, though. I liked it. I'm glad she got to meet him (and that he got to meet her). It's always good to be able to place a name to a face, I think. Anyway, I think I needed to see Collin for a bit anyway. I miss him so much! We haven't seen each other for such a long time. Soon I'll be back in Northfield again (after school gets out) for another visit. I can stay a little longer, too. That should be fun, I think.

I bought a new backpack tonight. Along with that backpack, I bought new shoes and a new pair of pants. I like the pants because they're baggy and just the right cut to be super comfortable and fit well. I won't discuss the size because it makes me sad. I'm over it. Paul and I are going to workout a lot this summer to get back to our trim, high-school bodies. That's also a very awkward sentence. I'm over that, too.

Well, I'm going to go hang with my Neva. Hope everyone is having an amazing weekend! Be safe if you're heading back somewhere/going somewhere.

Greatest Accomplishment of My Life Thus Far: Underboss of the Corleone Family.

I say revised because I've recently added to my two (which are now three). It's something my friends and I have learned to live by because we have nothing else (poor college students...). I know. I KNOW! I haven't posted anything about this before. I don't know why. I just haven't. They're here now, however!

1. Suicide is not okay.
1. Thinking about it is not okay, either.
2. Rape is not okay.
1. Pedophilia is not okay.
3. Complacency is not okay.

If I forgot something, let me know. I'll fix it right away. I don't want anyone to think I'm holding back.

By the way, we've also been discussing how murder fits into all of this. Heather and I have decided that murder is ALSO not okay. To rip off an idea of a fellow philosopher-type person: it is alright to kill animals; if a person loses the ability to reason, they have become an animal. Thus, it is alright to kill them.

The end.

They say "karma kills." I know better, though. I know much better than that. I know that karma laughs at us just as often as God does. Everyone has one moment of weakness that breeds some new and terrible sin into our hearts. Yes, I am suffering. I'm suffering because I don't think karma laughs at me. I'm suffering because I'm sure God has been helping me fight through all of this from the very beginning. I'm suffering because I brought myself to this place. I'm suffering because I let myself into this room, turned off the lights, and silently sat, sobbing. I'm sad that no matter how hard I try, I can't get one tear to fall from my eyes. Of all the pain and rage I feel at myself for creating this ridiculous situations, I'm still the same jaded person behind a stone wall. I'm still the same person waiting for something to happen. As things mysteriously turn up, I will inevitably find a way to make them fall again. Yes... Reality gets the best laugh at us. Karma is silent now. She has nothing to do with matters of the heart.

I have been in and out of relationships since I was in the seventh grade. From the very beginning with the first serious friendship I can remember, I was set on tragedy. I don't think I ever cared enough or expressed myself well enough to really make a difference in anything that happened to me. I don't think I ever really got over the fact that sometimes I'm too... "emo" to really do anything useful. I began falling hard and fast, not realizing that there are always consequences, good and bad. Slowly, I started to see that the most painful memories stuck around the longest. Sometimes, I think they're still with me right now. That's why I can't cry. That's why I have no idea what I should be doing to make it go away. As I entered high school, I met such new and interesting people. I came out of my shell and really became someone genuine. I became the person that everyone knew and respected. I thought of myself as someone everyone could trust, and I hope that that's how they actually thought of me. As high school began its decline, I too fell a little. I fell because I made a horrible mistake, a mistake I paid dearly for every time I tried to find someone else. I thought I could find some peace if I could just find something else to distract from the fact that I was lonely. All I ever wanted was that one person that I was sure I could never have again. I thought that life would be better and perfect and back-to-normal if I could just be with him forever. In that moment, when I realized this, I instantly fell free from it. It felt nothing but confidence that there was something better out there. I became a whole new breed of confident. It's scared me at times, but I was motivated and happy. College rolled around, and I got my second chance. I was so confused in it from the very beginning, but I wasn't about the let any moment pass. I was going to savor each second as if it were my last. Then, those small, isolated moments became days and months. Soon, everything I wanted came into fruition, and I was happy. I was content and loving every gaze and smell and touch and feeling. I had been waiting and wanting for so long... him. A year, plus, later, I'm at the point where I have to know where I am and where I'm going.

Life doesn't stop so that we can make the big decisions. It doesn't stop to let us enjoy weddings and mourn at funerals. It doesn't pause so that we can say everything we need to say. It continually flows, almost as if it has a life of its own. I sit here, and I become more and more sensitive to it because I'm suffering. I'm in pain. It's my fault.

Most of my closest companions can tell you that I rarely let on that I'm at fault unless I feel I truly am. Even then, It's hard to make sure I understand that I am. It's hard to get me to see how wrong my decisions can be, my opinions can be.

I'm writing this to let you know that I love you. I'm writing this to show you that I care. I'm writing this to show you that I don't want this to end. I just want to breathe assured that I'm not still paying some penance for what I've done in the past. I want to feel for myself that I'm not just doing this to prove someone wrong.  I want to be happy with you forever because I love you. I need you, and I worry about you. I love you with all of my heart.

I love you.

I'll skip the part where I explain what's going on in my life because it's no longer important, at least not to you, my readers. I've reached a point where my life has finally caught up to me. All of the "reality" that I thought I was experiencing didn't seem to really affect my life in the ways I wanted it to. Now, I think I've come to a compromise with God about where I am and where I want to go. This would probably make the third well-thought-out time I've reached. I mentioned in the beginning of the year that I needed a change, a break. I needed to experience something new and refreshing. It's nice to finally be seeing some of that change. The biggest change I've noticed in myself is in my voice. I think my voice has grown tremendously this year. I don't even think I deserve the growth because I worked so little first semester to obtain it. I think that things are finally looking up again, and it gives me the broadest sense of joy. I'm singing more, and it's because I've found a mutual love for music and the work it takes to really produce something of worth and value. I know that I didn't realize this my freshman year. From here, I can only work harder to make sure I'm back on top. I just need to keep my focus forward, gazing back only to reflect on change and its importance for me. The next biggest change is my outlook on life. I've had my fair share of ridiculous and gut-wrenching drama. I had my own mental and emotional breakdowns over the year. It's safe to say that I'm done with the breakdowns. I'm tired of being depressed about my life. It's just not worth it anymore. There is nothing in this world that merits so much sadness. Nothing. I'm done with it. I'm going to be happy whether I like it or not. It's just a matter of changing my perspective. It takes practice and patience, but I think I've already gotten so far already. In his Discourse on Method, Descartes wrote:

That really sums up how I feel in a nutshell. Things happen, and all we can do it work with it, moving forward. We have to ability to control ourselves better than anything else in this world, so we should try to really look inward and reflect on ourselves, our goals, and our lives.
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Word of the day: continuum (n.), a continuous extent, series, or whole. ‡
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‡. "continuum." Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. 03 Apr. 2008. <Dictionary.com http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/continuum>.
†. Descartes, René. Discourse on Method and Meditations on First Philosophy. Trans. Donald A. Cress. 4th ed. Indianapolis: Hackett Company, Inc., 1998. 14-15.

There's always something happening in the world, and it just so happens that my world is spinning a lot faster these days than I anticipated. The ridiculous amount of news and random facts is amazing. I'm not at liberty to discuss any of it out in the open, but I will say a few things via this list:

1. Identify the issues and get help.
2. Leave the past in the past, and move forward.
3. There is an upside to everything. Promise.
4. Anything is possible if you make it possible. If it looks impossible, refer to item 3 above.
5. Enjoy yourself and have fun. There's no reason to make yourself suffer if it's not going to get you anywhere.
6. Korean movies really are amazing, even the faux horror films. *cough*The Host*cough*
7. Once is the best movie ever. If you haven't seen it, you need to do it before you instantaneously combust.

Now, we'll move on to my "BEST OF THE WEEK" list. It's better than the one above.

1. Best Movies: Stranger Than Fiction, Once
2. Best Soundtracks: The Drowsy Chaperone, Once
3. Best Album: Vampire Weekend (self-titled), The Swell Season by Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova
4. Best Food: Blueberry Pancakes in DS
5. Best Friend: Heather (not that you aren't my bestest friend all the time, just more this week than ever )
6. Best Water: Nothing wins in this category unless it's relatively chilled and really smooth tasting. I'm just saying.
7. Best Webcomic: I would definitely say Questionable Content. All you indie kids: READ IT!

I think I'm done now. I just want to say sorry for some of the things I've been posting/writing/saying/thinking lately. I've been a little out of control. I promise my emo moments will cease as soon as this week is over or sooner. Having a week of nothing to do is amazing, and I'm taking every opportunity to sleep and enjoy myself before finals.

My muse does not care for idle talk. He speaks to no
one less than what he is. He is a formidable foe
in prose and witty remark, but he does not know
me. I am hidden from him always.

He casts a pall over me, gazing blindly into my eyes.
He cannot see me for I am the wind to him. My
desires and feelings are ephemeral, fleeting like
the breeze, continual like time.

My muse does not know his importance. He does
not even know his name. It is a secret name I
hold deep inside my thoughts, buried for only me
to know, and I will keep it there always. Always...

He died in front of my eyes. He died, and I had no
way of saving him. His last breath was the bittersweet
chocolate my lips still occasionally taste when I
am lonely. He fled so fast, I had no way of coping.

My muse is no angel. His deeds warranted no
celestial blessing, even though I held him so
dear to me. His hands know no tenderness. He
held no tiny child, nor nurtured the notion of love.

He seemed to abhor the youth that he loved
and hated. He wanted to make change by
becoming the disjunct rhythm in life's unknowing
plans. Here, he held his heart from me, locked.

My muse faded altogether from me. His words
were first lost, and then, I could no longer
see him. His face grew older and longer, his
smile duller, his stance rigid and frail.

Before he left me, it seemed as if he felt
me near him. He reached out to touch the
air, and his diminishing warmth sent a chill
through me. He strained to see me, hidden from view.

My muse knows not his effect on me. His
memory is taken away from me each day.
His spirit sees me now, I think, and I
am made happy. Each day is new for me.

Maybe now he watches me, unable to speak.
Perhaps my words inspire him as I slowly
lose him to the ebbing of life's journey. We
have simply missed each other, soon to be together again.

March 29, 2008
3:42 PM
Moorhead, MN

My
muse isn't an angel or a god. Unfortunately, my musings don't come from heaven or other exalted places in the minds of ten-year-olds. I'm a pool of restless feelings. I just want to continue my life. I just want to keep going, but no one else will let me but me. I'm tired of sitting here and waiting for that call or that message. I'm tired of wasting my life just lying dormant. I'm tired of being so secluded. I want to experience life. I feel like I've been trapped inside myself. I feel as if I'm walking on eggshells all of the time. For once, I want to jump onto a pile of leaves and just laugh. I want to go puddle-jumping and come back completely drenched in water and whatever else covers the sidewalks and streets of Concordia College. I want to look up at the sky and find more than just inspiration and happiness. I want to find some hope. I want to find love and encouragement. I wish that God's face was etched in the sky for me to gaze upon. I just want to touch something sacred with my heart. I want to bask in it and become one with it. So many wants... I'm not even sure where I am anymore. It's hard walking down a path with no light, no map, and no company.

I want some honesty. I want comfort. I want the fuzzies. I want to be drunk on life. I want to be able to pass out for a week on ecstasy, just to wake up and re-fill my cup with carpe diem. It's so hard anymore to just be yourself in a world of magazines and broadcast news networks and cable television, comic books and music videos, witty social commentary and politics. At what point does it all just fall away? When does everyone realize that every thing's gone to shit, and we're not okay anymore? When will I just get over it and be honest with myself and everyone else?

Life sucks when you're emo.

I still need it, though. I've been so ragged lately. Plus, I know that I would be able to sing a lot better if I could just sleep a lot and feel better. I have some crud in my throat, and it doesn't make me very happy. Ever notice how everything seems to fall apart just when it was going really well? That's me, right there.

I'm super glad that I don't have class tomorrow. I just need to wake up before noon so that I can eat something and warm-up before my lesson with Abra. I also need to make some photocopies of my music for Michael Olson. I'm really glad that I really only need a few pieces for juries instead of a million of them. I'm doing my piano proficiency tomorrow night, hopefully. All of the time slots filled up pretty fast. I just put my name on the waiting list in case I can actually do it tomorrow night. If not, I'll just worry about getting scales or harmonization out of the way during my jury. That should be fine, I think. Harmonization is way easier for me than the scales, for some reason. I even do really well with the improvisation, surprisingly. My greatest fear as a musician is having to make something up on the spot. I think that piano proficiency has really forced me to become more actively engaged in fiddling with the piano.

My new goals, as far as spending my money:

• Pay Parking Ticket (stupid Moorhead Police Department)
• Keyboard for house
• Desktop
• iPod

That about does it, I think.

AND no, I will not put the keyboard in the living room so that everyone can use it. I've seen what happens to my things when I let people use them freely.

They say it's unhealthy to want to sleep all of the time. I've had so much stress lately that all I want to do is sleep. I was thinking of calling in sick to my desk shift because I didn't want to work. I was worried, but I don't know what about. I'm worried about myself. I noticed that my mind keeps churning information and working on how to solve this or that problem long before I  get any sleep. At times, I think this practice continues when I'm asleep, seeping into my dreams. That may be the reason why I feel so tired when I get up. I may get thirteen hours of sleep, but I just want more and more. I would love to just fade into my sleep and never wake ever again.

This is not the healthiest of thoughts. I know. I should really get some help. It's just been hard for me lately. I want so much to have a drastic change in my life. I'm so stressed with school and friendships and relationships. I just want it all to start working out for the better instead of teetering on the rope. I want to know that everything will be okay.

My biggest concern is that I may be in a relationship with someone that isn't going anywhere. I feel so much love, but I feel like I'm constantly behind. I feel like I am alone in my feelings and that I am unheard. Things change so drastically at first but just fall back into old practices before too long. I miss him. Why doesn't he understand that? Why can't he just call me? I love him. I want him. I need him, and yet, I seem to be fading faster and faster with him idly holding me back. I don't want to worry anymore. I just want to love. I want to love so blindly and harshly that I can hardly stand it anymore. I just want to succumb to my emotions, but my mind won't let me.

Why is it so hard to communicate the thoughts I have inside of me? I'm keeping a running dialog with God about my life as it stands right now. He has helped me wrestle my thoughts when I lay my head down at night. As my thoughts begin to fade, I notice that each layer of my thoughts is peeled away. My peace comes when I can finally reach that last layer, the one I use to pray. I never used to pray at night. I didn't see the point. I've been doing it more often just because it provides me with the serenity enough to sleep and leave the problems of the day behind for tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a new day. I pray that God protects me and everyone from the sins of the world. I pray His guidance in all the things I do, think, and say. I pray His forgiveness and understanding in the times I turn my back on Him. Amen.