Life is weird, sometimes. I thrive when I'm alone. I love it. I love the silence and the depth of my thoughts. I love the air. I love it all.

Yesterday at midnight, I had to walk back to Hoyum in the silence, in the snow. It was magical for me. It's rare that one gets the opportunity to step out into the cold of night, look into the sky, and feel, for what seems to me the first time, hope. I'm not even sure what it actually means to me right now.

A warmth and chill and come over me all of a sudden. I feel so energized. It's as if I'm being given a second chance to accomplish something greater than myself. Yet, I know that the change that has been made will take some time to sink in. I will need time to adjust. It's hard to know when I will be "transformed."

Coming to this land of winter, I think I've found a place I can call home. I think I was meant to come here. I was meant to experience these things. I was meant to be in the cold. The cold is where I feel at home. It is where I feel at ease. The troubles of the world fall away here, and I am at peace.

If this is how it feels to know God... I will never be far from content.

That one thing we want to say is almost always never said at the right time. It's as if we would rather forgo the opportunity to let our true feelings show than suffer a humiliating defeat in the chance that we are rejected. I mean to say that people too often think themselves out of telling someone that they love them, like them, appreciate them. It is a very hard thing to do. I have always had trouble with it. Why, though? Why is it so hard?

Hollywood would have us believe that every instance where we put ourselves out there in a world where we may not "fit in" can yield terrible results. Odds are that you would definitely fall flat on your face and feel badly after having done so. What about that one chance that you'll succeed and have a fairytale ending? It's possible. It's always possible. The possibility comes in truly believing that anything is possible. The name of today's game is Confidence. She would have us sulking away into our closets and crying ourselves to sleep every night. The key is to grasp her by her collar and let her know what's up!

I know, this all sounds very silly and intimidating. You are probably saying, "Why should I be so honest? Why should I go to that person I like and just let 'em have it?" The answer is opportunity: the opportunity to experience another person's life. The dating game has been going on since the beginning of time. If everyone got lucky on the first try, we wouldn't have gotten very far. At the very least, it would explain a lot about God, but that's another story altogether.

My story begins freshman year of college. I had no commitments, no problems, and all the ambition in the world. Turns out, there were love opportunities in my life that I had no idea about. I'm not saying that I would have acted upon these situations had they presented themselves to me, but I would have at least given some of them a chance. A good friend of mine recently told me that he had the biggest crush on me our freshman year. Being that I had no prospects, I probably would have given him at least one chance. I'm not sure where I would be now, not that I don't love my boyfriend (because I honestly wouldn't trade him for the world, even if he didn't want me anymore ). Life would have ran at a different pace, is all.

Again, I wonder why he didn't say anything to me. He was so disheartened that I had rekindled my current relationship. He has since moved on, which is great. He's still a close friend and companion through all of the music drama and college crazies. I think that anything is possible.

Next time you find yourself in a similar situation, just do it. I promise at least a little growth, even in the midst of disappointment. Think of it this way: what's the harm in at least trying?

Quote of Yesterday: "This will help shit git through you." -Geneva Lyman

The Rules suck. I HATE them.

There is some unspoken set of rules that has been imprinted in the minds of the people I spend the majority of my time. Something about me and how I carry myself and the things I spend a lot of time reading about and the things I say always piss people off. If this sounds like you, go away. I don't care anymore. I can't be wrong all of the time. I can't attack people all of the time. I think it's bogus that I get yelled at for offering my own opinion about things, anything. I'm over it. I'm tired of arguing. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not allowed to say anything when I'm around you. I'm done opening my mouth, having to very critically think about whether or not I'm going to be punished for saying something. If I had half a mind, I would honestly just do the opposite and say everything I felt when I felt it. I would do the things that I ought to have the right mind to do when I'm compelled to. This is a night and day sort of change for me. Expect less than what you expected before, because I'm through with it all.

On another note, I love these headphones that came with my DS accessory tin. Top-notch, these.

It's been very hard for me to get back on track, I've noticed. I'm not really sure what it is. It's just really hard. I wish that I had all of the answers. I wish I could magically make myself motivated for anything that could possibly happen to me. I'm not, though.

The biggest motivation for me right now is ot wasting money. I don't want to graduate from Concordia with no graduate school prospects, no money, and no future. I need to do better, and for the most part, I think I am doing better. I'm more focused. I'm still behind, though. I'm behind everyone else, and I'm upset about it.

iPod - MIA
PHIL paper due Friday - POW
PHIL paper due next Friday - MIA
Knowledge of material on psychology test - nonexistent
project for music history - nonexistent

Dear Concordia,

Let's really check out the hotels we're staying at ahead of time instead of arriving at a hotel and finding out that the carpets are disgusting.

Love,
The Concordia Choir

P.S. We would also appreciate it if someone forced the management to share our situation versus leaving us to suffer here as if we were below them and didn't deserve better treatment because we're only college students.

The end.

today has been an oddity.

geneva's current status:

• sick
• tired
• journaling
• sore
• texting
• robbed by someone in a church

and how was your day?

I think the hardest thing in the world to deal with is disappointment. It can be any kind, really: self, peer, parent, etc. I think that it hurts, especially, to feel disappointed in oneself. I hate feeling like I'm not trying hard enough or studying well enough. I think that I don't really know what I want or how I feel anymore to a point where I'm unsure of how well I'm actually doing. I hate that feeling.

I also hate feeling like people are always angry at me. If you're for REAL angry at me, then tell me. Don't just brush me off. Just freaking tell me. I'm a big girl, and I can handle it. Get over yourself, and leave me alone.

I've been a writing machine lately. I've written three more sections, two today. I've got all of my friends covered, minus one or two. I wasn't intending to go where I have gone with this piece. I dove in and everything just began to spill out. I think it will add to the emotional connection that we have to the events of our lives as we live them now. I'm excited to unveil one part of it to you all very soon. I promise you'll get a taste for what I've been working on.

In other news, the desk sucks.

P.S. The  very cute and muscular, quiet guy we all talk about (the one who is always by himself everywhere we see him) spoke to me today as I was writing at the desk. He asked what I was writing and what it was about. He said he'd be checking in one me. It made my day that someone who doesn't even know me would take an interest in an intimate part of my life, my writing, without wanting to know the conditions on which I was writing. He's wonderful.

I hate the snow anymore now. It's so gorgeous, but I just hate the cold. It's making all of my bones ache. Me no likey one bit. HARRUMPH! The blizzard is a few days late. That's what I say.

In other news, I'm not sick anymore. I went to Northfield and had an AMAZING time! I came back and didn't sleep (working the desk). I'm about to snuggle up with Atonement (online). Hee hee... Don't tell anyone. It's our little secret.