I've been drowning a little each day since this semester started. When you start to drown, you don't realize what's going on. You tell yourself to just keep kicking and moving, keep treading water. You tell yourself that you'll be fine if you can just hit the surface again. Eventually, you realize that you're already too far below the surface, even if it's only five inches away. You start to thrash around and get tired. You put every ounce of faith in your movements as you release that last bit of air from your lungs. You reach for something to pull you out of the water, but nothing comes. It's interesting that I've been feeling this way in many of the relationships I'm in right now. I tell myself all the time that people will get better, that they are just misunderstood. I constantly force myself to see the good in people instead of seeing what it right in front of me in its true form. I keep relying on my uncanny ability to mask people in their best moments without seeing the heaping mounds of their worst moments have become. All of the help I've been trying to accomplish has only been a ruse. I've just been helping them heave themselves into their deep and dark holes. I'm just giving them that extra push of hope that makes them feel as if everything is okay.

The fact of the matter is, it's not okay. Nothing is okay right now. I'm not okay. They aren't okay. No one is okay. We're all just denying the very truth of it all. We're relying on each other too much to make things happen and to make them easier to bear. I've been trying so hard to make this kind of happiness come from myself. I've always been a self-sufficient person. I never thought someone would call me a talker instead of a do-er. When I look inside me, that's all I see. I see a talker. I see someone who wants so badly to help but is running out of ways (and reasons) to help others. It's not enough to want to help someone. It's much more to start seeing that person start to help themselves. That's the type of joy and happiness I want to see and feel. I want to know that everyone is going to be okay without me there to mediate and force and demand and chide. I'm tired of playing the bad guy all of the time.

That's why I stopped. I didn't want to be that person anymore. I figured everyone would start to treat themselves betters if I just let things be, but I've created a situation that doesn't allow for that. I've really made myself dependent on others needing me to help out. I'm running out of things to say and things to do. That's the last thing I ever wanted. I never wanted to feel this useless or worthless.

It's been a fantastic few weeks. I've had few bumps along the way, but all is well. I'm really enjoying life right now. I'm focused (mostly) and incredibly happy.

I can't even think of what to say anymore. It's a whole different place for me now. I've got a new outlook on life, and it's sunny and bright.

I never really realized what it meant to gain some perspective on life. I do now, though...

I've gained a very cheery and happy perspective that I haven't had... EVER. I've always been a pretty cyncial, albeit optimistic, person. Everything had a very realistic center to it, though... I was always one to put someone in their place if the mood struck me. I'm not so much that way anymore. It all has to do with dishes and dinners, homework and talks, sleeping and waking, honesty and feelings. It has everything to do with one person, and I couldn't be any happier. Ever.

Happy Inauguration, everyone! Be the change you want to see in the world...

No one assumes that relationships can be like they are in the movies (or exactly like they are in movies). Mine is. It is everything I had ever hoped for. It is an intense and deep love and caring for him. It is wanting to see him every day and spend hours talking to him about everything. It is feeling comfortable being honest with him, even when the information doesn't necessarily reflect well on me. It is being able to understand him when he tells me things, being patient and attentive. It is knowing that I can trust him all the time. It is appreciating everything he does for me and with me. He is everything, and I never expected it.

He told me that he loves me, and I believe him 100%. It was so strange for me to hear the words coming from his lips. He said one word, and I knew what he was saying to me. I knew that he meant it, every syllable. I could feel his heart beat. I replied and knew that I felt the same way. We are on the same page. We agree. We have the same goals and some of the same dreams.

Have you ever met someone you didn't expect?

Every so often since I was five, I have been haunted by this dream.

It starts with myself sitting in the passenger seat of a blue truck. A close friend of my younger sister is driving me up a long gravel driveway to a house that looks Victorian. It is yellow with white trimming and a huge wrap-around porch/veranda. There are white shutters on every window, spaced so exactly, it looks like a dollhouse. When I walk into the house, there is a party going on. My father and sister are there. I do not remember seeing my mother. Time passes, and I remember playing a game of hide and go seek with other children in the house. Soon, I start to want to explore the house more in depth. I look into rooms and climb stairs that never seem to end. Eventually, I see my dad who starts telling me to run. As I run, I keep climbing the stairs, up and up and up. I look back behind me briefly to find a girl with dark hair covering her face. It reminds me now of a combination of the girl from The Grudge and The Ring. She is chasing me through the house, arms jumping out of the walls trying to grab and scratch me, slowing me down. As I keep running up the stairs, the house starts to narrow and the staircase becomes more of a spiral with a square design. She is grabbing at my heels, and I grasp each stair above me with my hands, scrambling forward. Soon, The staircase ends and there is only a ladder. I climb up the ladder to the top of the house where the attic is. I shoves the board up and pull myself into the attic, slamming the plank on top of the hole again before she can get to the ladder. I latch it shut, and she does not pursue me. When I regain my breath, I look around me to find a huge, empty attic. It is immacuately clean and varnished. There are the usual eaves and supports in any other attic. It is simply free of dust and clutter. The only thing in the room aside from me is a person sitting in a wooden, rolling chair, back facing me. I walk to them, grabbing the back of the chair and turning it around. It's my father, dead and cold in the chair. Someone starts speaking to me, and I turn. It's my father, alive. I look around at the chair again, but it is gone. Then, I look around me, confused. This is where I wake up.

I just blogged about my scariest nightmare to enter The Uninvited Scariest Nightmare Contest for 1,000 credits. You can earn free credits too! Brought to you by The Uninvited - In Theaters January 30th.

The new year was rung in with a glass of sparkling cider at my friend's, Hannah's, house. It was a lot of fun. We played Apples to Apples and watched home videos. We talked and just laughed. I had a great time.

We're driving back to Moorhead today. It will be fun to hang out before dinner with Kyle. I'm not sure where we're going, but I know that I'll be having a lot of fun. On the bright side of things, my cough is almost completely gone (knock on wood). I feel really great in lieu of a sore throat. Yay, high humidity!

What did you do for New Year's Eve?

It always gets to this point in the year. I always feel like I should write about what I'm thankful for before the year comes to a close. To be honest, I'm thankful for just about everything, including my less than stellar grades this semester. I've learned a lot this past year. I've come such a long way from where I was last year at this time. I was in a different relationship, and I had different priorities. I have since come out of that relationship, re-evaluated who I am and where my priorities lie, and I've stepped hand-in-hand into an amazing adventure with someone I never thought would come. It's been a fantastic year. I don't even know what to say.

I will say that he is amazing. He's the epitome of a gentleman and all-around good guy. He did the dishes. He paid. He opens doors and asks questions. He has the same interests and similar goals. He makes me laugh. He trudges in blizzard conditions to my house... four or five blocks away! He is honest and... He's just everything. I couldn't be any happier than I am right now. Well, unless he were to show up on my doorstep.

Anyway, I'm happy. I hope you all are happy. Best wishes for the rest of the holiday season and safe travels!

When I told people that I was driving home to Colorado for the holiday, they looked at me in pity. They wished me good weather and safe travels. I admit, I was worried... However, my trip ended up being a lot of fun despite a few hiccups along the way.

Drew and I started out trip in the afternoon on Thursday. Our first sign of a good trip was a man hopped up on God-knows-what drug, asking for a ride to the other side of the interstate in Moorhead. We offered to him the idea that there were warm buildings he could warm up in on campus for a bit if he needed. He refused that, obviously more concerned about getting in the car with us than getting warm or home. We turned him away, locked the doors, and headed inside until he left. I felt bad. I just didn't feel safe about making that decision. Anyway, once he was gone, Drew and I said goodbye to our friend Mike and headed out. The roads were perfect and the weather was amazing. We knew of the possible sleet and snow in Iowa and Nebraska, but we weren't too worried. I started getting tired around Sioux Falls/Sioux City, so we stopped to gas up and change drivers. With Drew in the driver seat and snacks in our hands, we headed out toward Omaha. This is when we noticed the rain/sleet/hail. The windows were getting incredibly dirty and the windshield wipers weren't doing us much good at all. We tried defrosting the front windshield to no avail. Once it was finally cleared up enough to see safely, we lost control of the car. We spun out and into the median between the highways. We didn't hit anyone or cause another accident or anything. The car was fine and we were fine. Drew said that I made little whimper/moaning noises while we were spinning. He just kind of was silent and told me it was okay. We looked at each other and immediately high-fived. I said, "We're fine. The car's fine. Everyone is fine." We laughed.He asked if he could take a smoke before we figured out how to get out of the ditch, so he did. I waited, and then we, thankfully, got out and onto the highway with no major scuffs along the way. After a few miles, though, we noticed that the car was not riding properly. There was a definite change in how the car handled. There was this weird shaking in the car that travelled throughout so we had no idea where it was coming from or what it was. We stopped to look at the tires and the car one more time, but we couldn't find anything. After that, we decided to find a truck stop or a car shop to get the car looked at. We were praying it was nothing serious at all. We drove into Omaha on I-680 but didn't find a truck stop that could accomodate us. We drove past Omaha and right near Lincoln when we spun out again. We were on this bridge/huge overpass. There was about an inch and half of slush on the roads. We had been swerving a little every so often, so we were already on edge. Everytime we lost control just the slightest bit, Drew would let out a little sigh. He saved the day and got us out of that safely! We stopped at a truck stop or two and found that what we were looking for couldn't be found until the next morning or unless we wanted to go into Lincoln and check at Schumaker's. We saw a hotel and decided it just wasn't worth it to keep going in this terrible weather, so we got a room and stayed the night. We drank and played Wii, settled in, and slept until morning.

When we got up the next morning, the weather was a lot better. We saw that there was a little more traffic on the highways, which meant that the roads must have been a lot better. We packed up our stuff and headed for the car. When we got there, it was quite an ordeal to get in because there was a thick layer of ice sealing in the doors and trunk. A nice man lent us his scraper so we could get into the car to warm it up and grab our own scraper. It was a great gesture, of which I am still very thankful. We got into the car when we thought we'd gotten enough snow off of it, and headed back out. We drove and drove but missed the truck stop. We still needed to figure out what was wrong with the car, so we were a little worried about that still. Then, we eyed a Chevrolet dealership in the middle of nowhere and stopped to get my little Cavalier checked out. $42 later, we learned that a lot of ice and snow was packed up under the front tired, which made the car ride wobbly. We were thankful for that and headed out again with a fixed car. After this, our adventure wasn't as crazy, but it was fun. We bought aviators and listened to "Through the roof and underground" from the movie Wristcutters. I had a great time riding into Colorado, seeing the fantastic sun and the rolling hills... the mountains.

The best part is: we get to do it all over again soon.

Have you ever had a road trip that was more of an adventure than you had planned?

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